I am sick. I fuck up. I am a disgusting person. I am honest. I am too caring. I am sick. I fuck up. I am a disgusting person. I loved a girl so much we planned and tried for a baby. We had a plan, we had a future and its gone. I was rude and manipulative. I carried over a hatred of love from a toxic relationship that ended much like this one has. Ironic eyy.

I got us a house and I changed my life for the better but that was too late. The past had happened and now she has moved on…I think. We have had sex 8 times in 3 days over the last week. She might be pregnant but yet she can’t talk to me without hearing voices in her head that tell her “You are trying to kill me”…To think that someone you would give your life for would say them things to you because in her head at that moment that its true is sickening, heart-wrenching. I will call her NieFee for the purpose of this blog. I don’t know how long I’ll keep this going cause I don’t know how long I’ll be able to go myself. I don’t want this to attract people and I hope no one ever feels what I do. If you do feel how I feel go away, this isn’t gonna make you change your ways or be a story of overcoming the ever-rising depressing. Nope, I could definitely lose.

What happened tonight was normal until it wasn’t normal. I was eagerly waiting for her to text her call me like we normally do at night or in the morning. Recently tho it has gone from texting nearly every day to her being busy, by busy, sitting and watching tv with her mum. Turns out she is texting everyone else but me and has no problem rubbing my face in it. Now, this blog isn’t about making her look bad, I did some really mean and awful things and I have apologised and tried my hardest to fix it. So after being ignored for multiple hours she called later on and I told her that I know what I have done is wrong but I don’t deserve to be treated like that. We decided that we should be friends if we can’t get back together but no one would treat their friends like that. She took an episode which when me and NieFee say that means that she is either having a panic attack or she is hearing or seeing things in her surrounding area. She has schizophrenia. I can deal with her not taking meds cause I love her and I can deal with some of the things she says to me during these episodes but the issue with it all is, that I am her trigger. I am the most common reason for her to get these episodes.

I am selfish though. I should be willing to give her up so that she can be happy and not have to deal with all the anxiety of me and the episodes I cause but I cant. She means so much to me.

I sent this text tonight before I created this blog.

“Right I guess that’s us. Sunday is off because I know I did wrong and I’ve apologised endlessly for it. I tried everything to fix us and I changed my ways as well. But when you have an episode and I do know it’s somewhat my fault I feel shit and I am sorry I cause them, I don’t know what to do to stop them and they keep happening. You can’t speak to me because you fear that anything at all will set you off in your head, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone and I also don’t think you should be going out in Edinburgh alone and drinking because your mind is not in a good place and I don’t mean any of that in a bad way. I don’t know how much you tell your mother about what’s happened to you or what you have done and I can be sure you never told her about (Hometown) with (Boys name) and (Boys brother). But I don’t appreciate her calling me rude names and trying to get a stir out of me because you had an episode while I was calling. I know I text a lot but you have clearly pinned me as a relentless annoying person that you are over and yet we sleep together and you tell me “I can see us getting back together” and what I should have noticed was strange is when you said “please don’t tell (Guy she is kinda seeing while she was fucking me), you have to promise no matter what” and everything else. Bet you didn’t tell her about that, bet you haven’t told her how you planned a child and that there is a potential for you to be pregnant, which I can clearly say now I hope you are not because I don’t want anything to do with your family for a while now. I still have love and will always have love for you and I know I treated you wrong in the past by accident, but the way you have purposely been treating me is fucking unacceptable and I wouldn’t do that to anyone I said I loved, especially after what you know and seen that I did after that rough night. I hope your mum finds out what is wrong with you and she can somehow see I wasn’t getting a kick out of hurting you and that you both figure out how to fix ur mental issues. I have no need to block you or nothing cause I know I won’t want to text you, you can text me when your period comes and I truly hope it does cause your not ready to parent a child for a very long time. I also hope that if you get with (Guy she is kinda seeing while she was fucking me) that this doesn’t happen and that it was all my fault. I hope for your sake I am the reason ur like this cause then I’ll know your happy. I love you so much but you need to find ur self cause ur not the NieFee I fell in love with. Bye. PS: I’ll get my stuff in a week or so when ur in (Hometown).”

PS:I tried to kill myself, that’s what “the rough night” was.